I was initially at a loss. From these men came studies of contracting to be whipped, caned, verbally humiliated and more by an expert dominatrix. From these men came studies of having the dominatrix put a catheter up their penises, a procedure that is excruciatingly painful. More followed. The standard canning and whipping by an honest having a look young woman garbed in the traditional black leather garb, garter belts, spike high heels and wielding the ever-phallic whip. Over the years, the studies ensued: the cock-and ball torture, the hot, dripping wax on naked skin, the diaper fetishist who desires the Dom to be the babysitter; the author who handcuffed himself to the radiator and had the Dom put safety pins in his anus; the man who wore a ribbon around his penis and, at the behest of the Dom, ate her birthday cake out of a dog bowl; the very heterosexual man who was obsessed with penises; the fellow whos dominant fantasy was to be a human toilet; wrestling fetishes with a robust woman who bests them; the business man who required extensive verbal humiliation prior to having the Dom put his head in the toilet.
A client of mine once known as me nave. Didnt I know that there were probably 25 dungeons within a five-block radius of my 40th Street office? Dungeons? You mean like bats and rocks and dripping water? No, it kind of feels, in luxury apartment complexes where the Dominatrix will have a distinct room for her torture and play.
The internet has fast blossomed to become the hottest sex show in city. A single dominatrix web content offers thousands of keen women offering their fare. And there are hundreds of sites. If demand equals supply, it should seem that the search for the right dominatrix is a component of a prime number of American men. Is this condition of submitting fully to another may counter lives that, in our Western society are ego- centered, constrained, rational and competitive. Masculinity will also be a burden.
I thought of the quantity of guys who leave for his or her lunch break, see the Dom, get the be-Jesus beat out of them and return, relaxed and focused, to take up their afternoon work assignments, after which go home to the wife and youngsters.
Does any of this even resemble sex? Is there an orgasm in this picture? How it is really that humiliation and/or excruciating physical pain is the exclusive sexual delight for so many unfortunate fellows? And who is that this dominatrix figure who yields such power (at $250 a throw, a respected deal more than my hourly fee!) what DOES she signify? How is it that my clients consistently seek for her, find her but are continually disappointed and disillusioned at the end of the session?
I wasnt the only 1 who was puzzled. One client who, giving me a written masochistic fantasy after months of therapy, said, Here it is really. This is what I came to therapy for. Its lousy. Its sick. Its wonderful. I hate it; its my favorite fantasy. I cant stand it, I love it. Its disgusting. I dont want to stop it.
Viewed from the perspective of what I knew about the nature of the individual self, masochism puzzled me by flying in the face of everything rational about the nature of the human personality. People want to be satisfied and stay away from pain and suffering. They seek to maintain and increase their regulate over themselves and their surroundings. And they desire to maintain and increase their prestige, respect, and esteem. Viewed from the perspective of these principles about the self, masochism/submission is a startling paradox. The self is developed to stay away from pain, but masochists seek pain. The self strives for regulate, but the submissive seek to relinquish regulate. The self aims to maximize its esteem, but masochists/submissive deliberately seek out humiliation.
Why is it that so many shame-filled and desperate men scurry to the dungeons and dominatrix sites, longing to be dominated, hurt, tortured and humiliated by strong, dominant women? What is the basis of this compelling urge to surrender and serve, to relinquish regulate, to accept physical pain and emotional humiliation?
I began to see masochism and submission as a metaphor through which the psyche speaks of its suffering and passion. The connection between suffering and pleasure continued to intrigue me. Clients spoke of the rapturous delight in submission, the worship, in wild abandon and the deliverance from the defining bondage of normalcy.
Ritualized suffering seems to be a means they have of giving meaning and worth to human infirmities. After all, there is no lack of suffering in human life. None of us need go having a look for pain. The suffering of helplessness, disappointment, loss, powerlessness and limitation, is part of the human condition. This passionate longing to surrender and suffer comes into play in masochism. Submission, losing oneself to the power of the dominatrix, becoming enslaved to the Mistress is a defense towards the displeasure of strong feelings of fear of being re-traumatized.
To understand the under workings of this phenomenon, we need to understand the role that the unconscious intellect plays in driving behavior. Most of us vastly underestimate the scope of the unconscious intellect. Here is an analogy that would give a stronger appreciation for its pervasive impact. In the daytime, we cant see the stars. We talk as though they come out at night, even though they're there in any respect times and we underestimate the sheer number of stars. In reality the hundreds of thousands of stars that we see on a transparent moonless night are only a fragment of the stars in the universe. So it is really with the unconscious intellect: the orderly, logical thoughts of our conscious intellect are but a thin veil over the unconscious, which is lively and functioning in any respect times.
The unconscious intellect holds the remnants of all of our childhood wishes and wounds. The unconscious knows no past; everything that took place years ago (adding the frustrations, humiliations and anger of childhood) is still a great deal alive in our day-to-day lives.
The Dominatrix is a range of imago (Greek for image) that resides in the unconscious intellect. She is the primary love object the one to be pleased through the ritualized act of offering up suffering. She is the one who can opt to give or withhold that which is most longed for be it discipline, punishment, humiliation, pain, teasing, foot worship, trampling or what have you. On the one hand, shes a fantasized vision of what they might like a woman to be powerful, strong, bad, beautiful, in regulate, and sexual. The reality is that shes a dehumanized and debased object because the masochist uses her only to serve his narcissistic needs. Her humanity is reduced to the function she serves for the client.
Masochistic eroticism is fully divorced from loving a true other. It is a means of hating without chance. It is a methodology of regulate. As master of the script, the submissive is no longer a victim: he can decide for himself when to suffer pain rather then having it strike without warning. Childhood trauma is converted into grownup triumph. In the enactment with the Dom, the victim becomes the victor.
The sub/Dom torturous scenario is an attempt, repeated over and over, to undo childhood traumas and frustrations that threatened the trend of ones sense of masculinity. What contributes to the sexual excitement are option factors: mystery, secrets, shame, chance, illusion, revenge, reversal of trauma or frustration to triumph. And all delectably stitched together into the very last whole the surge of intense sexual excitement. Now the outcome is brilliant, for not only does one escape the threat of feeling the terror and powerlessness of the past, but immense sensual gratification is attached to the consummation.
Unfortunately, this intensity is difficult to match when sexual gratification is associated with a true and loving person. Vanilla sex starts to seem boring and the significant other senses this lack of interest. The price paid in terms of marital satisfaction is significant.
In reality and in fantasies, the masochist/submissive builds his impregnable structure. His unconscious conflicts, torments and humiliations are enacted in his story line with its cast of characters, action, mise-en-scenes. The script is then taken to the Dom and experienced as living out his fantasies. He secretly invents himself as victor behind the unending suffering; he does not primarily enjoy pain but accepts it as a preliminary to some now- earned pleasure and the imagined love and acceptance of the Dom for enduring the suffering. He feels potent and victorious over his inner demons.
The masochist sets up only the look of being passive and victimized. In fact, he runs his own show. The scene is a staged repetition. A change or a disturbance of this masochistic ritual diminishes it value. It can even destroy it. It has to be kept as in ceremonies of the church. First this has to be done, then that: phrases have to be pronounced in a definite manner, and so on. All of these level directions may appear to be haphazard, but within the ritual, there are recognizable meanings and connections. These scripts are the actualization of fantasies woven long ago in the pains of childhood.
The reason so many men event disillusionment after a scene with a dominatrix is that no human being can ever get all of the prerequisite details in exact place. Ever dissatisfied, he longs for and searches for the Dom who gets the fantasy in an exact fashion.
The ending of the session is his revenge for his childhood. The woman, so mysteriously powerful in childhood, is not in a position to overpower him; he proves it every time he puts on his clothes when the session ends and he pays his money hes the client; he pays the Dom for her services. Hes in regulate.
Unfortunately, the scenario must be repeated endlessly, compulsively, for perversion is nothing but a mental construction; a fantasy; it can never if truth be informed end up that he has received and can never provide sustained satisfaction. It does so only momentarily, and each time his life circumstances echo the original traumatic situation, he can mollify his pressure only in repeating the scene whose very function is to reassure him that he is intact and in charge..
Another thanks to have a look at this dynamic is to see it as a reaction to narcissistic mortifications suffered in the past at the hands of parents, lecturers, bullies on the playground, amongst other sources. We can define narcissistic mortification as a sudden loss of regulate over internal or external reality caused by the force of either internal or external enemies. The punishment sought by submissive/masochistic employees has a humiliating meaning.
The person is attracted to being punished in consequence of his own conscious decision. This is rather than earlier mortifications he which he may have been overwhelmed by a procedure of powerless to do about the real or perceived humiliation. Thus, he is in a position to eliminate the memory of a childhood mortification imposed on him by an individual else without his consent. He protects himself towards a humiliation which was not ordered or provoked by him. In other phrases, the highest defense towards his terror of humiliation is self-humiliation.
Analysis of patients who have successfully dealt with these issues indicates of remorse. This remorse is eliminated by the acceptance of some punishment, by the restitution of some wrong committed. The problem with this strategy is feelings of guilt, remorse or shame that seek punishment and humiliation are often not eliminated by the punishment the Dom dishes out because he has not faced and resolved the unconscious reasons for his behavior, and so is doomed to repeat the masochistic script endlessly. Rather than seeking resolution in therapy, he acts out for the sake of pleasure and release. Without resolution of the past, he is doomed to act out compulsively and without any resultant satisfaction.
At this point, the reader will forgive a foray into Freudian formulations. According to the debunked master, all perversions develop on the august day that the little boy discovers mommy doesnt have a penis. Could this happen to him? Could he become penis-less? This, combined along with his desire to own mommy and be a rival to daddy (who has a bigger penis and so is a potent and perilous rival) combine to supply castration pressure, moreover to guilt for the (repressed) incestuous wish towards the mother. (The Oedipal Complex) Ive witnessed the event of castration pressure in men who live with an underdeveloped sense of their masculinity. Perversion in all its aspects is, I think, an effort to shore up this sense of masculine inadequacy.
The attraction of the dominant woman is that she represents the phallic woman, a psychoanalytic term that describes the woman with a penis which allays castration fear. The Dom may put on a strap- on; her clothing and props are phallic symbols: high heels, whips, canes, the strong, aggressive leather clothing, and absolutely her domineering, controlling personality suggest a masculine attitude. A man who suffers from unconscious childish conflicts about who has a penis and who doesnt and whether or not his place in the masculine world is secure will also be tremendously reassured by a dominant woman, who represents the fact that mother has a penis at least and the dreaded threat to his masculinity cannot occur.
Is there hope?
It takes tremendous courage for this population to come for treatment. They are emerged in shame and feel that no one would ever understand them. The biggest obstacle is the fear of letting go of the need for sexual intensity.
The whole process of treating these men is beyond the scope of this paper. Suffice it to say, they come in when the consequences of their behavior have become too painful: the enormous financial losses, the shame, the sense of not being an lively agent in ones own life, the desire to know the sweet fulfillment of a stable, loving relationship that is marked by joyous, not shameful sex.
Recovery unfolds in three tiers. The central task of the first level is the establishment of safety. The central task of the 2nd level is remembrance and mourning. The central task of the 3rd level is reconnection with ordinary life and ordinary love.
The goal of treatment is not to eliminate the masochistic longings. Often, they're hard-wired from early childhood. But one can learn to be the master of ones own urges. Behavior will also be separated from these urges. Ego-strength and self-esteem grows. He now knows that he is not alone and not doomed to suffer this condition indefinitely; he can expect to recover, as others have recovered. He can initiate to sublimate some of his sexual energy into other interests, issues to do, goals and relationships. Sexuality begins to take its rightful place in the psyche, giving rise to intimate relationships where sex is some thing that is an act of pleasure and real connection,
Dorothy Hayden, LCSW, has been treating sex addiction for 15 years. With 30 articles and one e-book, "Total Sex Addiction Recovery — A Guide to Therapy", she is judicious a "thought leader" in the field. She has been interviewed by HBO, CNN and "20/20" about cybersex and sex addiction.
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